A sense of Appreciation

Today, while chanting I came to a great sense of appreciation for what life has given me that I had never really felt before. I had been feeling down and thought that there are some bad lucks lately or this year in general. I forget that there are so many wonderful things that are existed in my life.

Another great experience I have with chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo is that, as soon as I try to just "enjoy" the chanting itself, hearing the word itself while vocalize it, without praying for specific things or desires; a great sense of appreciation flushed through like a soft wave. So serenity!

I feel so blessed and fortunate that:

- I am still able to have a thriving business with clientele coming through the doors

- I am still able to sit here and chant Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo

- I found my passion and able to still live with it

- I am still healthy

- I am able to play badminton and live with my desire

- I have money and don't have to struggle for it anymore

- I am able to live the life I want now without limitations while, still have harmony within the family

There are so many wonderful things that I currently have! I am no longer feel sad, depressed and it felt like a curtain has just lifted.

The fact that I am able to live the life I live right now... owning 3 houses, have the luxury to choose where to live, not having to remain in a marriage and still have harmony with my husband and daughter. Not even sure if he is considered to be an "ex" by title yet. In my heart, I am free!

I'm free to live the life that I want, that I missed out, that I never get to experience.

Emotionally and mentally free.

While this feels good, sometimes I do ponder upon what's gonna happen years later, 10 - 20 years later...! Do I need a family? Do I need a partner? Do I need a marriage? Is this what everyone considers to be happiness in old age? Am I going to feel that loneliness? What does loneliness feels like when you have no one by your side?

I don't know... Because I had tasted and felt Loneliness for 8-9 years, even while I have someone by my side - a husband - a marriage. I came to the conclusion that it's not about having a husband - a partner or a marriage. It's about how you feel inside your heart! It can still be hell if it's with someone who you don't feel happy with.

Then, I ponder upon the ideology of Happiness and Charity. Why should I feel lonely if I have no one by my side when I'm older, when I spread my love to helping people who needed my love? I think that is the ultimate happiness - to help humanity!

That thought!!! That thought of "Helping humanity and charity" brings me warmth. I think Loneliness happens when you feel like you are not needed, when you feel like you don't have like-minded humans in your circle.

If I spread my love to humanity, would that bring joy and happiness to me and others?

It's scary but I don't want to be restricted to being operating in a marriage or family.

I feel like I'm practicing "family" while not remaining in a marriage right now and it's going pretty good. So, family or not family, it's really just a title (?)

A family can still operate even without a marriage.

We are teaching Lena core values. As long as your core values and life values are wise, you can be on the same page in teaching your kid.

I'm not sure. At this point of life, I'm leaving it up to the forces, the universe and Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo to guide me, one step at a time! I am mindful of my changes, how I feel at each step I take. I feel a sense of appreciation and calmness.